I know it sounds stupid, but that ridiculous dream that I posted about in the last post has been with me all day and it's gotten me thinking about all sorts of things. I know it's true what I was posting last time, but I still want to understand it. I want to understand why I have these feelings that I do...I mean, I realize that on some level H cannot be everything for me. The problem is just this: who can tell me what he is supposed to be or what I am supposed to not expect from him.
It's stupid, isn't it. I realize that he's working very hard and that all he does is to support us as a family, but sometimes I feel like I'm lacking in emotional support for him. I don't think he even gets that...and then it's time like this, when I haven't had a conversation with him (literally) for weeks, that I start noticing all of these things I am missing in our relationship. I'm not saying that H isn't a good husband or that he doesn't care deeply for me, I just think it's so amazing how many things that aren't specifically related to love go into a successful relationship, and how a large number of those things could be the potential downfall of a relationship if moved in the wrong direction. It's hard to explain.
I realize that H loves me, but lately I've been feeling this lack of romance, so I listen to this cheesy music and pretend that I'm one of those girls in the movies that are nothing like real life, or I try to remember back to guys who tried to be romantic with me, because for some reason that makes me feel good. Maybe that's what the house is about. Don't get me wrong, H can be romantic, but most of the time he's got too much going on in his life to even think about talking to me, much less about wining and dining me. And this, of course, leads me to the next obvious question: why do I feel the need for that romance? I just don't get it, I'm not a sap and I hate most things even remotely related to romance, so why then am I feeling so desperate for it now? Why is it like this? I don't understand how if H and I have a healthy relationship I am feeling this sort of insecurity and (basically) personal panic when he's away for a while.
This is exactly what I'm talking about: in the reality of it all, romance has nothing to do with love. I mean, if all romances ended in love, there would probably be a lot more happy people. I think the reality is that romance is for relationships that never end in love, or maybe that's gloomy, maybe that's what this void I'm trying to fill is forcing me to think. I just need something, and I need it badly. I need some attention. I need someone to listen to me and to care about what is going on with me. I mean, H cares, but I always feel like I have to coax him into first even listening to me and then second into caring...and then of course, the care is not necessarily even genuine. He always dismisses my needs as silly or childish, I think because he has work constantly running through his mind and that seems much more important to him. And maybe it is. I don't know.
I don't know what to expect. I don't know what's normal in a relationship. I don't know what's normal for a woman who's been married for two years to want out of her marriage. I don't know what other people feel about sex, for example, in a marriage. Why are people not talking about these things? Why does it all have to be so complicated and taboo? I have to have answers or I think I might just end up crying myself into catharsis....
Why can't we just talk about it?
Why can't someone tell me what to expect? What to do? What to need and what not to need? That's the thing, I feel stupid for needing things (and like I'm just adding more stress to H's life) and yet I can't resist it. I feel like my chest is about to burst with sentiments I can't even explain, and the hard cold truth is that today was not the first of many excessive crying sessions in the shower.
I just don't know, but I know this: I don't want to just deconstruct the house so I can understand it....I want to knock it down....I want to get it out of my life for good......all that stuff, just gone. I guess it's going to take work, and I guess that's just what I have to do, but I can say this: I'll huff and I'll puff, and in the end little house, no matter how long it takes, I will blow you down.
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Hey!...I thought your post was very interesting. I really feel that as a woman it is natural for you to feel they way you're feeling. I am obviously not a woman so I don't know for sure but I feel like I get the same vibe from my girlfriend. She also likes romance and I think some men don't have that personality. I am sure your husband is good to you but maybe it is hard for him to be as romantic as you would like him to be because he is so busy and tired. I understand how hard it is when you don't have someone to talk to about these things and I was thinking that maybe you should make more friends with people that could probably be going through the same things as you. I know it sounds corny but maybe you need to be friends with other married women. I really don't think your husband feels that the way you feel is childish. As a man, he just doesn't understand your perspective. I also think that is his way of not having really serious conversation. Men are not so expressive and they tend to avoid touchy feely conversations. I always try to avoid them with my girlfriend. Also, It is okay to think and dream about your past. I don't think it is natural for someone to just forget and move on entirely from things that have happened to them, good or bad. I often look at my mother and see how she suffers up to this day about things that have happened to her so long ago, and I don't think she is a bitter person because of it. It has just made her a stronger and better person. I mean, for some people it can cause them to go crazy but I think you're a very stable person with a good head on your shoulders. Don't feel bad to cry. Let it out. That's why we have that mechanism. It makes us feel better. I'm sure everything will be okay and if it helps for anything, you can talk to me. :-)
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