Mañana ya es tarde

I can't even believe how long it's been since my last post...honestly, when I saw that the date was March 20, I felt slightly ashamed. The truth is that I have felt like writing about many things on many different occasions, but for one reason or another, I've not actually followed through with it. Today, though, I think I will.
I'm in Augusta right now and I spent all day yesterday just hanging out with my brothers. It was a neat experience because it's been so damn long since I've really gotten to spend some quality time with them, and on some level, I felt like we reconnected. It was also very strange because it brought up a lot of questions in my head about who I am and where I come from. My brothers share this bond that they have found in music, and I am sort of the outsider with them. I also feel like on so many occasions I am pulled in different directions and that often, I'm not sure if anyone really knows me, or worse, if I even know myself. I guess the good thing is that the only person I feel normal around is H. He makes me feel so happy to be me and more like me than anyone else I've ever met, but then, like a moron, I get away from him and I start to wonder who I really am.
I mean, I have this crazy mix of stuff in my life and it's translated into so many different things in my personality. And now, as I get older, I start to wonder where I am going or why I am going there, or if I am even doing the right thing with my decisions. I know I've made some real decisions, and god knows I would never take those back, but sometimes I just have to think about what things would be like if I had made other decisions. I don't know, it's weird, and maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am getting older and I am starting to look more at the future of my life than at the past, and that is sort of freaking me out. I mean, the miscarriages also have really contributed to this catharsis I've been suffering from. I thought I had it all planned out, I thought I knew what I was going to do and what I wanted in life, and then I had those effing miscarriages and it threw a wrench in my entire scheme. I feel like in a lot of ways I don't know what I want anymore, or more, that what I want changes day to day, and I just keep waiting for the moment that it will all come into focus.
Only it's never coming into focus.
I can't figure it out...I'm happier now than I have ever been before in my life, but there's this thing missing, this element that I can't seem to find. Maybe it's the babies that I'm missing. I saw Joey and Aleshia's baby for the first time this weekend and it ripped my heart to pieces, I mean it literally brought me to tears. My baby, the first one, would have been almost full term now, and I would be ready to see a little bundle of joy come out of me and change my life forever. I saw how small and fragile that little infant was, and I felt myself almost falling in love with her, and I thought, oh god, I can't even imagine the feeling they're having now watching this baby grow. And then, logically, I felt this twinge deep inside of me, wondering if I would ever get that actual feeling, of watching my own baby, the one who developed in my womb and was birthed from my body, grow and change. I don't know, I really don't. And saying that, I know that that question is something that I need answered soon, and I mean soon. Like honestly, tomorrow will be far too late.
The truth is, I left that baby feeling less like a woman than I've ever felt before. As I held her I felt like there was just this hole in my stomach where that baby should have been, and I literally could feel the emptiness yanking on my heart strings. I left that baby feeling barren...and I'm so effing tired of feeling barren.