I'm so stupid

Just like last time, I'm up on a menstrual cycle and I'm freaking out. It's totally stupid and I am totally stupid. I've been reflecting a lot on what has been happening to me lately, and it's brought me to the following conclusions: (1) I need some time before I get ready to start trying to have a baby again, I need to repair, (2) I have to get control of my life, externally and internally, before I can feel confident that I can handle whatever comes to me (baby or another miscarriage), and (3) controlling my weight can help me do that.
So I've joined Weight Watchers (again) and I'm trying really really hard to follow it to the tee. It makes me feel better to focus my energy on something else besides these miscarrriages, although I have to admit that this impending period has totally gotten me on edge. Why do they have to be so similar? It's too much to deal with, and according to H's advice, I've taken a pregnancy test today just to reassure myself that it's not another miscarriage and it's not...I mean, the test was negative. But even still, I feel freaked out.
The thing is this: I have all this stress in my life, what with the Comps and my other classes and then the miscarriages on top of that. I think I need time to decompress and relax a little bit before I start trying to add more and more things into my life. I hate saying that, because each day that goes by I'm just getting older, but it has to happen. I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of being a cow, or at least feeling like one, so I have to take control. And I have.
That, at least, makes me feel better. I've also decided to start Yoga once a week again, to at least take some time to myself to try and blow off some steam. Working out is great and it gets rid of a lot of stress, but the reality is that only Yoga has been able to help me manage my stress in the past, and I'm ready to try it again.
I haven't blogged in a while because I have so many other blogs going that I rarely get to this one any more, not to mention that I've just started another one specifically dedicated to my weight-loss struggles. It's my new tactic, but we'll see how it works. For now, I'm feeling a bit better since I've started to get back under control....oh, and Louis and Virginia are flourishing beautifully. I'll put a picture up soon...

The circle of life

H and I have been trying to decide on the most appropriate way to mourn, and simultaneously commemorate, those poor babies that I lost. I honestly wasn't expecting this feeling to stick with me for so long, but it's nearly never left my mind since the whole thing(s) happened. I've heard of a lot of people doing things like burying the fetal tissue or something like that, but I have to admit that it's always sounded a bit weird to me. Even now when I think about it, it's hard to imagine me doing that, especially since it would have involved keeping the tissue, or recovering it from the toilet. I mean, it's just not for me.

We did say a (very tearful) prayer over the tissue before I flushed it, so I guess that counts a little. But the thing that has been haunting me endlessly is this idea that there are two children whose lives will never come to fruition and whose faces I'll never get to see, even though they belonged to me. It's hard to accept, and it torments me. Every time I see a baby I just get this feeling deep in my chest, similar to the sensation of hearing nails run down a chalkboard, it just sends shivers down my spine and makes me dizzy and nauseated all at the same moment.

So, after talking about it for a while and trying to figure out how to get some sort of closure (at least SOME), we've decided to plant a couple of trees. I guess it works out, though, because if those little beans had grown to be full adults, and then they died one day after a long life, their bodies would have most likely become food for plants, just like all the rest of our bodies will. So I guess we're just commemorating their contribution to the circle of life by growing trees, it's just unfortunate that their circles were so prematurely closed. I can't think about it too much or I start to get upset, so instead I'll talk about the trees.

We decided to buy citrus trees, since they could flower and bear fruit, and they could most likely live for quite a while...maybe not as long as a human, but a while....longer than my little ones got to live anyway. So here they are:

They haven't been potted yet, so I'll have to make another post for that, but it makes me feel good to have them. It sounds stupid, but it sort of curbs my sorrow and disappointment about the miscarriages to know that there are still two new living things in this house, and that they represent those other two non-living things that were never able to begin their lives here. Maybe it's a little weird, but I feel like I can put all the energy of caring for them and watching them grow that I would have put into my little beans into these plants...and the fact that they bear fruit makes me even more excited.

I realize that it's just a symbol, but it's a very important symbol to me, and it's helping me to cope with these feelings of insignficance and depression that I feel like I'm fighting daily. Each one of the plants is beautiful in a different way, and I've given them names. The taller one is Louis...he's a Key Lime tree, and guess what? He's already got two limes on him (photo to the right)!! The shorter and prettier one (sorry Louis!) is called Virginia and she's got pretty little pink tips on her, with yellow and green leaves. She's a Pink Lemon tree and her fruit will be striped green and yellow, with pink flesh. I'm really excited about seeing what her fruits look like. She doesn't have any yet, but you can still see how pretty her leaves are from the picture to the left. They are both very small plants right now, but I'm hoping that once I transplant them, they'll be able to stretch their legs and grow some. They should do well indoors, but I'll probably put them outside during the day to let them feel the sunlight on their leaves.

I'm not sure what a psychiatrist would tell me about all of this, but honestly, I couldn't care less. Right now, all I'm worried about is doing what I need to do to keep myself sane and to get some closure...and I'm just trying to focus on a future filled with good, sweet fruit.

Eating habits in times of pain

I keep wavering in and out of this depression that I can't seem to shake, and it's started to make me think a lot about my eating habits, mainly because when I'm upset, all I want is food. That's unfortunate because the weight that I keep packing on is certainly not helping this irritating depression go away.
I was being really good there for a while, trying to eat right and take care of myself and stay away from the stuff that isn't good for me (caffeine, sugar, fried foods). Now, though, every time I start to get down (which happens quite a few times each day), all I want is alcohol or a cigarette or food (although mainly it's food), especially sugary foods. The entire time I'm bingeing, there's this voice in the back of my head that's saying: stop eating, you're only making it harder on yourself, but every time I hear that voice, I just force myself to ignore it. Or, even worse, I say to myself: whatever, it's just this one time and then I'll go back to being good.
But it's never just that one time, it's always multiple times, and I always leave feeling multiple times worse than the last time....and I still can't make myself stop.
I have to get control of this. The thing is that on top of the self-doubt and sadness that I have because of the miscarriages, I'm then left to deal with this feeling of disgust with myself, with my weight, and with my appearance. I've even been really broken out lately, which is just a physical manifestation of the stress I'm going through, not to mention I'm sure it's somehow related to the types of food that have been going into my body lately.
I did Weight Watchers for a long time, but I can't do that anymore. I don't have time for it, and even though it works, I don't think it's practical or easy to do. H keeps telling me that my self-image is severely distorted, but I think that he's just being a good husband and trying to make me feel better about myself. And I often wonder if the real situation is that he feels grossed out everytime he sees me naked.
I'm sure it's the case.
What I don't understand is how it's possible that in the past years of my life (mainly between 1999 and 2002) I was so much thinner, and yet SO much more unhealthy. I would think that not smoking pot, not smoking cigarettes, not drinking copious amounts of alcohol, and not eating fast food for nearly every meal would actually enhance my health, but as it appears, it's only made me fatter.
I'm not saying that I would want to go back to those times in my life, but I just want to understand. This is my life-long struggle: to understand things. Why do I have to be fatter when I'm actually caring for my body than I was when I didn't give a damn about it? Why am I miscarrying pregnancies when my body is as healthy as it's been in probably my whole life? Why have all of my friends disappeared? (That last question seems a bit out of place, but it's just one of the zillions of preguntas that pop into my mind when I get into this type of mood.)
The thing is this: I want to be a good person. I want to take care of my body. I want to be a good wife to H. I want to be a good student. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good friend. And I really try to be and do all of those things. It's just that sometimes, I start to feel like I'm failing...and I get so weary from the fight....
And that's when I start eating.