The visiting aunt

I am having the strangest experience lately: I am coming up on my first menstrual period since the miscarriage and it is starting to freak me out. I can't really explain why, I mean, I realize now that I am not pregnant anymore, but since the beginning of this period is strikingly similar to the beginning of the miscarriage, I am finding myself terrified nearly every time I wipe. It is so similar, in fact, that I find my self thinking: "please don't miscarry, please don't miscarry". How stupid is that? I never thought that a period could be so terrifying! I just keep wishing it would just start already, and stop all this spotting, but at the same time wishing that it would never come, so I could just have the baby, as if the bleeding I most certainly will experience in the next few days is actually another miscarriage.
It's amazing how far reaching the repurcussions of such a loss can be. I've been home vising family lately, and it's gotten me thinking of how much I wanted this to be my first Christmas as a pregnant mother. It's sad, and to be honest, if I wasn't trying to be available for my mother (who is recovering from a double mastectomy last week), I think I would be much more upset about it all. I just think that this period scare was unexpected for me. It's hard going through that same terror and emotional upheaval all over again, and it makes me wonder if I really am ready, emotionally I mean, to try and have another child. I think I am, but what if this happens to me again? What if I have another miscarriage, or what if it's worse than the first one? How will I handle that? Will I be able to handle that? I thought before that I would certainly be able to, but now I'm wondering. I'm already freaking out and I'm not even pregnant! How will it be when there really is a baby in my stomach, who I'm clearly going to be terrified to lose? Maybe this is something I need to think about, or maybe I'm just not as far along in the grieving process as I thought I was.
I'm so sorry little bean. I'm so sorry that you'll never get to see this world or to hug your mama, who loves you so so much. If I could, I'd take you in my arms and kiss you like there's no tomorrow. Even never having been born, I love you more than words can say. You're my little bean, my first little child. How lucky I was to know you, even for such a short time...

Closure

Yesterday was my doctor's appointment about the miscarriage, and I think it went really well. It made me nervous, sad and happy all at the same time. The nervous part was before, only because I was so worried that the doctor would say something was wrong with me or that there was something not right about me. I was sad, though, because it was like the last step in letting go of the hope of having that baby. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. There was some tiny part of me that was clinging to the hope that the doctor would say "actually, it appears that you're still pregnant". (Of course, there was also a part of me that was nervous about that as well since I've had a few drinks over the last couple of weeks and I was hoping I wouldn't have hurt anything.) Then finally, there was a very big part of me that was happy. It was relieving to talk to the doctor, who was very nice and very understanding, and hear him tell me that everything is okay and that I'm going to be fine.
He also told me that it is not impossible, but highly unlikely that I will go on to have another miscarriage, so that was extremely comforting. He was really great, and he told me that I didn't even need an exam since I've had one within the last year and it was normal and because I haven't had any symptoms of infection. He also said that I seemed to be an extremely healthy person, which really was news to my ears. I was very happy to hear that.
So now that I feel like I am moving on (in a way), and starting to feel ready to try again, I am beginning to slough off the pain and sorrow. It feels good to start getting excited again about the possibility of having a baby, eventually, and it feels "normal" to start worrying about things other than if I'm able to carry a baby or not. For example, I just finished looking at a friend's page on myspace and I noticed how much weight she's lost over the last few years, and it makes me feel bad. That of course made me start thinking of how much weight I'll probably gain during the pregnancy and that of course made me feel bad. I think I have this golden opportunity here to really get myself in the position that I always wanted to be before having a baby.
I think this is my chance to try and change my eating habits for the better (for the baby in the future) and to increase my activity levels. These are the positive things. I've been taking prenatal vitamins, and now I have the chance to do other things that will benefit my future child. I need to do them...I don't want to get into a pregnancy and freak out because I can't control myself. I mean, even now I sometimes deal with self-control issues when it comes to food. H doesn't help much either...I think I need classes on how to eat with a man in the house. I can't seem to figure that one out yet.
Either way, when I look at the positive side of things, I feel better. I feel like now I can really put some energy into prepping my body to safely carry the next baby, and that gives me much solace, and more importantly, much closure.

Birthday blog

I always find it interesting to look back on my yearly birthday writings because they are always so wrought with confusion. That's ironic in a way, too, because each year after I finish writing my reflections, I think I've had some sort of major epiphany, or that something has really changed inside of me, I mean, besides just being one year older. So, like I always do, I just finished reading my reflections from last year.
Rubbish.
After having this miscarriage, everything seems to have been blasted into perspective for me. So obviously, looking back on my petty concerns from last year seems ridiculous. It was all about growing up, moving forward, changing to be the "me" of my future. Well, guess what me of last year: that change has happened.
I am always surprised to look back on my writings and see how my concerns have evolved over time. It's impressive to see how much time and energy I wasted on thinking about things that mean nothing in the grand scheme, but I guess that's just part of the human experience. Even Anne Frank, in her attic prison, spent time fretting about boys. That's comforting (which reminds me that a few years ago, on my birthday, I was able to see that attic prison, another event which has affected me ever since).
Last year the main theme of my birthday writing was moving on, and if I was ready to let go of the past. This year, the theme is this: I have moved on, I have let go, and I've never been more than ready to embark on a new chapter in my life...especially since the miscarriage. Going through this ordeal has made me realize what an amazing husband I have, and how truly blessed I am in my life, and has made me start to wonder how crazy I would be to ever want anything other than what I have now.
Many women won't ever know the happiness I am experiencing, even taking into consideration the loss of my child.
I wish I could think of more to write about, but this year, I can't. This year there's nothing petty to talk about or anything stupid to make me feel miserable. This year I'm mourning the loss of my first pregnancy, but rejoicing in the beautiful life that I have. My feet are steady moving forward and I'm prepared to take on all the responsibilities that the "me" of last year was so easily delegating to the "me" of this year, o sea, me now. So I guess that all that's left is a summary, like usual:
1. Once again, I'm more grateful than ever, for this life, this husband, this future, this family, and that lovely bean.
2. My past is officially over for me, and I'm moving forward at lightning speed.
3. Bring it on.
Happy birthday to me. I have a feeling this year will be very, very good.

Christmas shot, 2007

Christmas is getting close...and even though I've been emotionally under the weather, I made H take a little break with me to take our annual Christmas shot. I have this lovely little frame and each year I put our Christmas shot in it. This is our fifth Christmas photo together! I was previously really excited, because we had this whole thing planned, where we were going to put "little H was here" or "little Maggie was here" on my tummy, so the photo taking was unfortunately slightly bittersweet. I'm working really hard right now on moving forward and taking things one day at a time. So, this is our tree picture. I think I might even make H take another one, since you can't really see the tree very well (even though it's HUGE!!), but I really like it. I was messing with my hair when the picture snapped, which is why my hand is up there and my hair is all in my face. The kissy one is better (see below). Actually, looking at both of them now, I feel really stupid...we really should have moved over to the other side of the shot, so at least you could have seen the tree. Oh well, H is so darn handsome! Even without the clever little tummy signs, I'm so grateful to have such a loving and amazing husband, who is helping me so much walk through this. Yeah, I know, different from yesterday, but it's like that for me now. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions, and each day I discover something new. And even in all that chaos, my love for that little bean has not diminished.
My guess is it never will.