The visiting aunt

I am having the strangest experience lately: I am coming up on my first menstrual period since the miscarriage and it is starting to freak me out. I can't really explain why, I mean, I realize now that I am not pregnant anymore, but since the beginning of this period is strikingly similar to the beginning of the miscarriage, I am finding myself terrified nearly every time I wipe. It is so similar, in fact, that I find my self thinking: "please don't miscarry, please don't miscarry". How stupid is that? I never thought that a period could be so terrifying! I just keep wishing it would just start already, and stop all this spotting, but at the same time wishing that it would never come, so I could just have the baby, as if the bleeding I most certainly will experience in the next few days is actually another miscarriage.
It's amazing how far reaching the repurcussions of such a loss can be. I've been home vising family lately, and it's gotten me thinking of how much I wanted this to be my first Christmas as a pregnant mother. It's sad, and to be honest, if I wasn't trying to be available for my mother (who is recovering from a double mastectomy last week), I think I would be much more upset about it all. I just think that this period scare was unexpected for me. It's hard going through that same terror and emotional upheaval all over again, and it makes me wonder if I really am ready, emotionally I mean, to try and have another child. I think I am, but what if this happens to me again? What if I have another miscarriage, or what if it's worse than the first one? How will I handle that? Will I be able to handle that? I thought before that I would certainly be able to, but now I'm wondering. I'm already freaking out and I'm not even pregnant! How will it be when there really is a baby in my stomach, who I'm clearly going to be terrified to lose? Maybe this is something I need to think about, or maybe I'm just not as far along in the grieving process as I thought I was.
I'm so sorry little bean. I'm so sorry that you'll never get to see this world or to hug your mama, who loves you so so much. If I could, I'd take you in my arms and kiss you like there's no tomorrow. Even never having been born, I love you more than words can say. You're my little bean, my first little child. How lucky I was to know you, even for such a short time...