Closure

Yesterday was my doctor's appointment about the miscarriage, and I think it went really well. It made me nervous, sad and happy all at the same time. The nervous part was before, only because I was so worried that the doctor would say something was wrong with me or that there was something not right about me. I was sad, though, because it was like the last step in letting go of the hope of having that baby. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. There was some tiny part of me that was clinging to the hope that the doctor would say "actually, it appears that you're still pregnant". (Of course, there was also a part of me that was nervous about that as well since I've had a few drinks over the last couple of weeks and I was hoping I wouldn't have hurt anything.) Then finally, there was a very big part of me that was happy. It was relieving to talk to the doctor, who was very nice and very understanding, and hear him tell me that everything is okay and that I'm going to be fine.
He also told me that it is not impossible, but highly unlikely that I will go on to have another miscarriage, so that was extremely comforting. He was really great, and he told me that I didn't even need an exam since I've had one within the last year and it was normal and because I haven't had any symptoms of infection. He also said that I seemed to be an extremely healthy person, which really was news to my ears. I was very happy to hear that.
So now that I feel like I am moving on (in a way), and starting to feel ready to try again, I am beginning to slough off the pain and sorrow. It feels good to start getting excited again about the possibility of having a baby, eventually, and it feels "normal" to start worrying about things other than if I'm able to carry a baby or not. For example, I just finished looking at a friend's page on myspace and I noticed how much weight she's lost over the last few years, and it makes me feel bad. That of course made me start thinking of how much weight I'll probably gain during the pregnancy and that of course made me feel bad. I think I have this golden opportunity here to really get myself in the position that I always wanted to be before having a baby.
I think this is my chance to try and change my eating habits for the better (for the baby in the future) and to increase my activity levels. These are the positive things. I've been taking prenatal vitamins, and now I have the chance to do other things that will benefit my future child. I need to do them...I don't want to get into a pregnancy and freak out because I can't control myself. I mean, even now I sometimes deal with self-control issues when it comes to food. H doesn't help much either...I think I need classes on how to eat with a man in the house. I can't seem to figure that one out yet.
Either way, when I look at the positive side of things, I feel better. I feel like now I can really put some energy into prepping my body to safely carry the next baby, and that gives me much solace, and more importantly, much closure.