Remembering is much better than Re-experiencing

So here's my post from last week that never got published:

Date: January 23rd, 2008
Title: I will be OK
Body: Estos posts los tengo que escribir en español porque no quiero que nadie en mi familia los lea. Claro que pensaba no escribir nada acerca del tema este, pero ya que representa una parte de mi desarrollo, creo que es importante. Además, creo que es importante para mí mostrar que soy capáz de let go del pasado, y de lo que me pasó con el primer embarazo, y de seguir hacia el futuro con nuevas emociones y nuevos conocimientos de la vida. Hasta ahora, pues, es bastante claro que estoy escribiendo este post porque pienso, otra vez, que estoy embarazada. De verdad, no sé si lo estoy, pero en el fondo de mi corazón creo que puedo casi sentir el thump-thump de otro corazón dentro de mi cuerpo, o sea, dentro de mi barriga. Pues es muy posible que no esté de verdad embarazada y que la idea de serlo, o sea, mi imaginación me ha enamorado. Pero es interesante porque me siento de casi la misma manera de la primera vez que me encontré embarazada, pero sin el miedo que tenía sobre la posibilidad de tener un aborto espontáneo. Es que ahora no tengo este mismo miedo...es sólo que....

That's where I left off. Funny that I wrote that stupid post, all about how I wasn't afraid this time (which I wasn't), but then nearly three hours later, I started to bleed. That's right, if you haven't already guessed, I've experienced another miscarriage, and this time it was FAR worse than the first. I never thought I would have to go through this again, especially not immediately after the last time, but of course, here I am, just having had another miscarriage. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test when I wrote the last blog, but when I started bleeding I just had to know, so I took one, and of course, my instincts were right and I was pregnant. I am not pregnant anymore though, so I guess I'll have a drink tonight.
This experience was far more traumatic than the first, and far more painful as well. I always thought with such pain and sadness on the last miscarraige, thinking that it was really the worst experience of my life. But then, when I was going through it all over again, I thought to myself: "remembering the last one was much better than re-experiencing it with a second one". And I still stand by that thought. I think I'm going to put another "In Memoriam" in the sidebar, even though I really don't want to remind myself of this second little bean that I've lost. That's two beans lost...God I hope there'll be no more.
I was just thinking to myself about these two pearls that H got me in the Keys. The first one he got me was when we went to the Keys before we started dating. It was inside of an oyster and for $15 I got to fish it out myself. The second one is from our honeymoon, also in the Keys, that we bought as a sort of reminder of the fact that our relationship had started in the Keys and reached its consumation in the Keys as well. I've always said I wanted a ring made with those two pearls in it. Now, I think those pearls have a different meaning to me. Each one is like the precious bean that I've lost, each probably about the same size as the beans when they expired, about 6 mms. So, now I want that ring, only I want it to symbolize not only the pre-marriage relationship that me and H had, but also the love I have for the two babies I've lost, and how much they will always be a part of my life, and a part of our marriage.
Death is terrible, really. All day yesterday, while I was experiencing the first throws of this second miscarriage, I kept thinking to myself that I was literally feeling the hand of death, reaching far down inside me to pull that little one from my womb. I was overwhlemed with sadness, despair, desperation and anger. Even now when I think about it, I feel so many emotions that I start to get physically dizzy. It's like I've crossed this threshold in reality and I can't ever turn back, like who I am has changed so dramatically from the inside out and I can't ever return to who I used to be. I will, from now on, be this woman who has lost two children, even though unborn, and I will never again be a young childless woman, frolicking around and thinking about fairytale endings. Of course, I never have been that kind of young woman, but there's always been a small bit of an idealist in me...well, there WAS anyway, but after these two losses, and in this particular moment in my life, I feel like that bit of me, that small tiny iota of idealism, has painfully ripped itself from my womb and escaped in a big bloody mass of tissue. Can't I have you back? Can't I carry you to term and make this ugly and painful world more beautiful with your presence? Can't I cuddle you and nurture you and do my best to keep you healthy and alive? Can't I? Won't I? Will you come back to me?

Please come back to me....