This unshakeable sadness

I keep having these bouts of sadness. I know it should be something I should maybe expect, but what's so weird about it is that these bouts are accompanied by longing for something that I don't even know...or like...I don't know how to explain it. It's like I feel sad and upset, but at the same time I feel nostalgic and I feel a longing to be at a different time in my life. Does that make any sense? I guess it's like a sort of longing for the innocence of the pre-miscarriages times of my life. It seems like all other worries and cares just pale in comparison to the emotions and anxiety caused by having these multiple miscarriages. I never thought this would happen.
Of course, all these sort of things are running through my mind: was I not eating right? Is this punishment for things I've done in the past? Will I ever actually be capable of bearing a healthy child? Is god telling me I'm not supposed to be a mother? Do I not take care of my body? Is there something inherently wrong with my chromosomes? Stupid questions, right?
Yeah right. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about things like that or not to think that it's my fault (or even worse, that it could NEVER be my fault), but I'm having such a hard time. It comes in spurts, too. It's not that I'm always sad or always upset, but it's like one minute I'll be fine and the next I'll be a basketcase.
The other emotion that's relatively new to me is this sensation of complete isolation, like no one really GETS what is happening to me, emotionally or physically. I have H, who tries his best to understand, but I feel like it's all so perfunctory to everyone, but it's such a big deal to me, every time I start really thinking about it I feel like all the energy is being sucked out of me, like I can feel those intense stomach pains all over again. Is there no one to talk to about this? I feel like it's not a big deal to anyone, or like it's constantly being invalidated by people.
Last night, for example, one of my good friends came over for dinner. He's got a cold, so I invited him to come over. I cooked, I cleaned and I served him dinner and he didn't once ask me how I was doing, or give me any words of comfort. I know he's not the type to ignore other people's pain, but it was a bit surprising to me, I have to admit. And then there's my brothers, who I have pretty much completely given up on. They didn't mention anything last time--no "I'm really sorry" or anything--and now they most certainly haven't mentioned anything this time. They're so caught up in themselves and their own lives.
They can be such assholes. I don't even feel bad for saying that.
I feel sad about it all. I feel sad that at a time in my life when all I really want is to feel the real bonds of family, I'm completely lacking those connections. I just feel sad, I guess there's no other way to explain it.
H and I were talking about planting two plants for the babies that I've lost. I think they're going to be fruit trees.
Also, I keep having all these extremely anxious dreams that are driving me crazy. I HATE people that are sad for no reason. I want to just drop-kick them. I was thinking to myself all the while that the miscarriage was happening of how painful life is....
They say life is pain. It is pain. Moments that should be the most beautiful of all moments can be so tainted that it's impossible to imagine them any other way. It's impossible to imagine finding out I'm pregnant and then just being able to get excited and happy about it. I imagine myself only getting freaked out and terrified, all over again.
See what I'm saying, I'm all over the place. I can't calm my mind down and I can't focus on anything, it all keep boiling down to this unshakeable sadness.
But I want to shake it. I want to be that carefree, totally childless person that I used to be.
I guess in the end that it is true what everyone says: IGNORANCE IS BLISS....