Dealing

I keep trying to refocus my brain, but it's nearly impossible. Whenever I get a moment alone, like now for example, I just keep returning to that moment when it all happened. Those six hours, sitting in the dark, staring at the christmas lights, feeling the life being ripped out of me. Now is even worse, too, because it's my real first time alone. I feel almost desperate. H is at work, my dad and his wife just left from their visit, and my phone has completely died. I feel like I'm left without a connection to anyone. I want to try and get something done, but I feel useless and insufficient. I can't focus on anything, and I keep getting stuck in thoughts of the baby, and of what it would have been like to actually meet him in real life. Is it like this for every woman that loses a baby? Does everyone keep seeing herself, sobbing over the toilet, completely unsure of what to do with those bloody remains? I almost can't stand it. I feel okay at times, and then at other times I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I feel like I can just burst into tears at any moment, and I'm afraid it's going to happen at a particularly inopportune moment. I just wish H would get home. At least when he's here I feel like there's family, or like I haven't completely lost those bonds. I can't even think of words to say about it all. When I try, I'm useless. So I guess I should stop trying.