Gut instincts actually do matter

I debated taking down the stomach picture, since, as is painfully obvious from the revamp of the page, I miscarried the baby this weekend. It was by far one of the worst experiences of my life. It wasn't necessarily physically painful, but the emotional pain is nearly unbearable. It's cathartic. Last night I woke up around 1 a.m. to painful cramps and bright red bleeding, and I knew it was happening. There was no doubt in my mind. I can't say I didn't know it was going to happen before either...I just had this gut feeling. It was terrible, I felt the worst pain, the most intense loss, I've ever felt before. It's hard to imagine that you can be so attached to a life that has only really existed for two or three weeks, but you can. I was. I passed everything, and just sat there, staring into the toilet, not knowing what to do. It was the hardest thing ever to flush, so I didn't. I left it there for almost an hour, waiting until I had the stregnth to finally let go. I mean, there's a lot to let go of. I had to let go of the life that was inside of me. I had to let go of the hope of being a mother. I had to let go of all of the plans and dreams I had for that little bean that I loved so much. It was hard.
It made me think of all of those women who abort their babies, voluntarily, or give them away to other mothers. I can't fathom that. I can't fathom wanting to rid yourself of that precious life, no matter what your situation. Not only that, but all of the times that I've heard of women having miscarriages, I never really got it. I think I've been changed forever. I'll always know that there was once that baby living inside of me, and that I never even got to see his heart beat, or his face. That's terrible. What must it be like to lose a young child, or an adult child? Dear God, I hope I never have to deal with that...for now, I'm dealing with this. It's painful, and it's a bizarre experience. It was just obviously not the right time. It's easy to say that, but not so easy to accept it. Still, I know there's hope. I can still get pregnant and I can still bear children. I'm just terrified, already, that this might happen again. Oh...I hope it doesn't. There's much more to say, but I need a break right now. Every time I think about it, it brings me right back to the first moment it happened, and I can't stay there. I can't stay in that moment. Life is all about moving forward, and letting go of that baby is the first big step for me. Truth be told, I haven't totally completed it yet....but at least I've started.