The slow road to recovery

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night in a state of complete panic. I was in a cold sweat, terrified like I've almost never been before, and breathing quickly and heavily. I can't even explain why. I've had a hard time dealing with all that has happened with the miscarriage and with getting used to being only one person again, but it's going okay. Slowly but surely I'm returning back to myself again, and today was the first time I had a real laugh. It was nice. The weather this morning was gloomy and gray, and that certainly didn't help my emotions, but I forced myself to get up and out of the house, and I went to school to teach. I couldn't quite handle seeing all of my friends just yet, but I did force myself up. I'm happy that I did. It's strange because I go through phases it seems...at times I feel fine, and like a normal person, and at other times I feel totally freaked out and upset. Honestly, I don't remember the last time in my entire life that I cried as much as I have in the last weekend. There's just so much to mourn. Right now my silver lining is something I read on WebMD today: 85% of women who have a miscarriage with their first pregnancy go on to have healthy babies the second time. That's good news to me, but I have to admit that I'm still freaked out about what the second pregnancy will be like. I'm going to be terrified the whole time, I can just see it now. But at the same time, my gut instincts told me that the miscarriage was going to happen with this one, so maybe if my gut instincts say something else for the next one, I won't be freaked out. At least, that's what I am hoping for.
I keep searching through all of the events, wondering what's the lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this, and I can't seem to find it. That's the most frustrating of all. I have dealt with difficult things in my life before, and my way of dealing with them has always been to find the lesson, hidden wherever it might be, underneath it all. But with this one, I'm stumped. Maybe I was just supposed to get a crash course in what to be grateful for; it did happen on Thanksgiving after all. And the truth is, even with the loss of my first baby, my life is filled with blessings. I have my husband, who is more and more amazing every day. He is totally and completely wonderful, and every day that I know him is just more proof that I made the right decision in marrying him, and my commitment to him grows stronger. I have a loving and caring family that is concerned about me and wants only what's best for me. I have an education I can be proud of, and one that will allow me to provide a beautiful future for my children. There's so much more, so much more. For now, though, I think it suffices to take a deep breath, let it back out into the air, and realize that life is unpredictable and sometimes seems unreasonable. Yet still, there's a rhyme to that lack of reason.
And even in such sadness, the world can still be filled with beauty.
I love you my little bean. I still do. I always will.